I’ve come to realize the one thing that I fear and the one thing that inhibits me. These “one things” are the subliminal reasons for perceived everyday issues. As of late, I’ve tried to make a more conscious effort in recognizing my hang-ups for what they really are. I want to do this so I can challenge them. It is easier for me to overcome an issue that seems like a step towards something huge (battling an inner fear) then to push myself to overcome something that feels petty, vain, or just too simple to worry about (i.e. posting my first blog entry). More on that later. I find it easier to accept my fear then I do to accept my inhibition. I can not change the former and so therefore must find a way to live with it. I can, and I say this because I believe in my own ability despite my contradictory interpretations of my inhibition, change the latter. More on that later as well since “Step 1” here is probably letting the cat out of the bag and stating what these challenges are. (Oh hello couch, this is pretty cathartic).
I fear, in a very deep, physically aching sort of way, losing the people who I love. I do not need people around me all of the time. In fact I enjoy a certain amount of “alone”. And I make friends easily. But there are some people in my life, and I refuse to categorize them, (I have a superhuman ability to lower walls in my brain that so far have allowed me to shut out that army of neurons asking the highschool-study-hall/sadistic question “if you had to pick one, who would you save from a burning building?”) for whom the thought of losing makes my stomach feel like a bottomless pit. Curiously, my superhuman powers are used in instances of this kind of thought as well.
Loss is inevitable. I feel blessed to have come into contact with people who have such an enormously good impact on me. Because of these facts that I can not and will not change, my fear isn’t a routine constraint. I am not one to dwell on what is to come. I prefer to enjoy those people today and incorporate awesome-life-best-practices into my current existence. Perhaps when the time comes, I will be able to accept loss and the hole that it promises. Perhaps I will appreciate what was and by then have morphed my fear. Maybe it is the thought of loss that is truly terrifying.
My inhibitions are the most frustrating because I CAN change it. Laziness, weakness, naivety, lack of motivation, lack of recognition…all reasons that perpetuate my incapability to accept my inhibition: I shy away from things for fear of failure. More specifically, the possibility of failure and the feeling of inadequacy that that produces creates hesitation in trying new things. It is not so much vanity as it is a discomfort in the feeling of inadequacy stemming from having excelled (in some form or another) in most things throughout life. But excelleration denotes movement, forward movement. So if I’m not trying new things in life am I really excelling? And because I recognize all of this I am even more frustrated.
I can be pushed. I enjoy being pushed. If you want to practice being a drill sergeant yelling “drop and give me 20” or “just give the damn speech” or “just try the snail it’s not so bad”, I’m totally your girl. Some of the best experiences I’ve ever had were when I tried something because someone pushed me until I tried, sometimes to tears, and realized that I couldn’t explain why I hadn’t done x, y, or z in the first place. Then I do x,y, and z continuously because typically these things better my life. Why would I be nervous to try something that would have zero impact on anything? I am nervous about failing at the things that I know could be an enhancement.
In gymnastics my coach would push me to try a move until I cried. He knew I could do it. I can’t remember a single time that he allowed me to step off the beam or not try a move again after messing up. I sprained both ankles (at different times) and was on crutches (not as cool as I thought they were when I was little), and when I recovered, did the same moves that have left me with ankles that crack like Pop Rocks. I’d go back in a second**
**I could. I could go back. But I’m nervous that I’m not as strong (I’m definitely not but I didn’t turn 6 and all of a sudden have crazy strength either), I’m not as flexible (could be remedied in a matter of weeks).
Why are inhibitions so frustrating? Because they are fixable. And I know how to fix them. That is even frustrating. I sound pretty angry. I’m not, I’m pretty happy to be around. Like I said, I make friends easily (dusts her shoulders off). Why do certain people create a fear of loss in me? Probably because these are some of the very people who push me to overcome the inhibitions just vented about. Theses are the same people who have given me enough in my life to make me certain of my ability to overcome, and thus increase my frustration when I don’t. So really, the people I fear losing are the people who cause me angst…(this is called the blame game) This is typically where my brother comes in and tells me thing a and thing b to do to start to overcome my inhibitions (and my fears even though I believe that’s inevitable). Remember that time I hinted that I enjoy drill sergeants…
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