In my continuing efforts and struggle to make sense of my very own existence, I invariably return to remarkably rudimentary, yet paramount questions. Why am I here? What must I do? And, how may I actualize these concepts, and increase the ratio of pleasure to pain in my life? My wonder, pursuit and search for answers to these questions repeatedly leads me to the experience of connection– human connection; our ability to empathize, belong and love. I believe connection is why we are here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Ironically, when I reflect on connection, my mind inevitably surfaces stories of disconnection. Love comes to mind– quickly followed by feelings and memories of torrential heartbreak and disappointment. And examples of belonging emerge– only trumped by memories, feelings and fears of being excluded. Ultimately revealing to me that fear and shame are capable of unraveling my perception and possibility of connection. Shame can be simply understood as the fear of disconnection. Shame, worry and fear generate and project “what ifs” and self-imposed negative prejudices. What if I’m not good enough? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something about me that if other people know or see, will make me unworthy of connection? Shame is experientially universal and is a source of excruciating vulnerability. In order for empathy and connection to be fostered, we have to allow ourselves to be seen– really seen. We must deconstruct shame and embrace vulnerability.
I seem to struggle with vulnerability. I have learned immensely through incredible relationships and connections with family, friends, strangers, loves and lovers. I believe there is a fundamental distinguishing factor between those who struggle with vulnerability and those who do not. They simply believe that they are worthy. They have a strong sense of love and belonging and a full, healthy sense of worthiness. Then, why do we believe we are not worthy? Those who are able to embrace vulnerability demonstrate themes and patterns of authenticity and live wholeheartedly. This blaringly reminds me of Sat Nam– a commonly practiced Kundalini Yoga meditation mantra, meaning “True Self.” Being authentic, wholehearted and true means to have courage; to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart; the courage to be imperfect. It means to have the compassion to be kind to yourself first and then to others. Because, you cannot be kind, loving and compassionate to others until you truly are to yourself. It means to find connection as a result of authenticity; to be willing to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be who you are. In order to find connection, it is necessary to fully embrace vulnerability. Believe that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Be willing to say, “I love you” first. Be willing to do something when there are no guarantees. Be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work-out. Stop controlling and predicting– the way to live is with vulnerability. I recently struggled with this until I realized that my “breakdown” was actually a spiritual awakening.
“We are never so vulnerable than when we trust someone, but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”- Walter Anderson. I believe that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness. But, it appears it is also the genesis of joy, creativity, empathy, belonging, and love. Why do we struggle so much with vulnerability? It is frightening. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are… dangerous cycle. We inappropriately numb and distract with addictions, medications, food, etc. This only exacerbates the problem because we cannot selectively numb. We also numb joy, gratitude, happiness, etc. Then, we are miserable; looking for purpose and meaning; feel vulnerable; numb again; into infinitum, or until we break our pattern. We also blame, as a way to discharge pain and discomfort. We try to perfect ourselves. We pretend that what we do does not have a huge impact on others. We are imperfect and unique. We are wired for struggle, but we are worthy of love and belonging. We must let ourselves be seen– deeply and vulnerably seen. Love with our whole hearts– even when there is no guarantee. Practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror. Believe we are enough. To feel this vulnerable means that “I am alive.”
“This I have come to believe is the human condition: uncertain, confusing, often absurd, and full of anxiety in the face of an indifferent universe that can, and frequently does, crush our best hopes and dearest loves. Still we push on into a future we can neither imagine nor control, with nothing to guide us but some words we share with each other and a faith that we are not alone.”
–Gordon Livingston
Life is better when shared.
Credit: Brene Brown
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