I’ve woken to reflect on 1,000 wakeful worries that pulled me fully once from bed to write and share my struggles. This morning, I’m unable to conjure a single one. It’s 5am and all is well in the world and I have only feelings of gratitude. I’ve said dozens of times over the last few years that I’m sure I’d be a happier man if I spent more time appreciating the gifts I’ve received and things I’ve earned. I bet those dozens of times were all at night.
As I sit to write this article, I remember the first of many worries I’ll remember today. In light of the recent success of Hale College, can I still sit and write to you so freely? It’s remarkable to reflect on how much things have changed in the last two years. I can’t help but think it’s for the better, until I struggle to allow myself to share with you without restraint or sense of obligation to some higher purpose.
I am here to connect with you and the world in a unique and intentionally positive way. That said, you are always free to read and bookmark or skip and never return. I can offer kibbles on Monday, gold on Tuesday and a train wreck on Wednesday. Can I still offer myself in this space for catharsis on an early Thursday morning?
It’s 5am and all is good. I face my second to last work day of the week at a job for which I could be more thankful. I will have two days this weekend to do entirely as I please, a break for which I could be more thankful. I have at least another 6 months in Dallas, Texas, an opportunity for which I am thankful. I’m also thankful for the open-ended escape plan. But where to next?
I don’t mean to which state or work facility but rather wish to reflect on why I fail to fully appreciate my job, the weekend it provides and everything else I can thank it for. Wherever I go next with this gift, my life looks the same. My life is mostly clear and stable, devoid of challenge and mystery and adventure. I can’t help but fantasize about the challenges and freedoms that I would surely find in a less fortunate life. Does this make me ungrateful, a hopeless romantic or something far worse?
I lie to myself. Each day is the same. Each day I challenge myself to be something I am not. As a child, this challenge drove my reshaping and growth. I formed myself to the wills of the world and succeeded at all I could find. As an adult, I find that I am far less malleable. I have grown not stubborn, but solid. I see through my old tricks and am neither fooled nor entertained. I am finally me and should perhaps learn first to accept myself and maybe someday to be grateful for who I am.
Today I am an engineer. Today I have awoken in the home of a friend and will return at night to a friend who loves me. This morning I have awoken at 5am to cereal and milk. I have shared with all of you and am fit for my longest run of the year. There are small challenges to be found at work today and soon a weekend for chasing dreams. It’s Thursday morning and life is good.
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