Searching For Answers

I’ve found the problem with searching for answers is there are no right or wrong answers. I can find a different answer that I solidly believe in, on a periodic basis. Answers to the same questions change at different points in my life. At the end of the day, I’m in the same place, but have traveled far by questioning, and have worked the exercise that helped me grow further. Life is a journey, and quite simply, the journey is the goal.

Trust yourself. Having control and set guidelines by which to succeed; goals to accomplish; expectations to exceed; bars to hurdle; and substantial people to impress, used to rule me. I can win at all of those games, and have. I can be the best at anything I chose to do. I used to let that drive me. I loved the satisfaction and acknowledgement of getting an ‘A,’ coming in 1st place, or getting a job promotion. Then I realized my personal sense of success and fulfillment was very external. I was allowing external forces to define me. I was winning, but I found that I could not maintain that feeling on my own. I’m still working on this. I’ve rejected everything that everyone else considered to make me successful. I don’t need those things. They were not fulfilling me. They were interfering with my Self and my peace. I’m building myself, for myself now. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but I’m ok with that. I am journeying.

I struggled for years trying to figure out the most efficient way to attain the life I thought I wanted. I manipulated people, forced situations, tried to control. My feeling was that if I didn’t make it happen, it would never happen. I’ve found that is not true. I love being calculating, specific and quantifiable, but the world does not work that way. It is much more vague and unforgiving. You cannot control people, places or things– no matter how much you want. Forget the idea of ‘unfair.’ I’ve had a battle with ‘unfair’ for years. Why do I feel so entitled? This realization means giving up control. We do, however, have incredible power of creation, influence and inspiration. All we can do is love, have positive intent, be adaptable, flexible and prepared. The rest comes to us. I will do well if I focus on those skills. I’ve found life is about creating myself, not finding myself.

I am learning to embrace my journey. I am going somewhere.