Fear of Disillusionment

So Long Social Buttergeoffly
Full disclosure, I’ve gone out the past two weekends and have regretted both. Last weekend, I didn’t really have much of a choice – two of my best friends were visiting. But I am experiencing what feels like the result of a very solid shift from social interest to productive interest. I care less for the trivialities of rampant social fear, formalities and outright dishonesty. Directing effort to personal relationships feels more arduous than ever. This is not how I want to give to the world.

Inspiration For More
Fortunately, this shift has come in conjunction with inspiration to pursue activities that feel more productive, perhaps less social, more academic, and primarily things that feel like they may result in some gift that keeps on giving – some financial engine or other enabler that grants financial and geographical freedom. As grateful as I am for my career, there’s an endless list of things I’ve yet to do and experience – both self-serving and socially redeeming.

Fear of Disillusionment
I’ve denied my heart’s desire to be a productive nerd for the past two weekends. This weekend, I shall be far less social. I wonder how fulfilled or disillusioned I will be with this, with what I believe I want. And here we come to the point I’d like for you to consider. I believe that anyone able to honestly consider their shortcomings may be able to relate. I feel an apprehension to give myself what I think I want because of a fear that it will not be all I expect it to be.

This is neither fear of failure nor fear of success; this is a fear of disillusionment. It’s as though I’m afraid this hunger is the only thing left, and that in disappointing myself with this last option (here: productive alone time on the weekend), I may be left with nothing else to look forward to or dream about as good and fulfilling. I fear how strongly this holds us back as I feel us cherishing dreams, big and small, fantasies, all types, more so than we actually want to taste the dream or make progress towards it.

Should I Blog It?
Fear of disillusionment. Perhaps I should blog it – perhaps outside the safety of my fallible subjective, sour will sound this note I cherish. Wrong attitude – I will blog it, now – yet another ramble from Hale, free for your consideration.

Ha, no writing errors were found – so much for poor spelling & grammar. And yes, language proficiency is as sweet or deliciously sweeter than I’d ever dreamed.