I am presently a bit obsessed with getting to know myself better. An exercise I recommend practicing regularly, since we are constantly experiencing, growing and evolving. Learning about and deepening awareness and understanding of self is imperative to growth and realizing potential. Most pressing of recent personal findings is a need to fix and heal some long-standing emotional injuries rooted in my childhood.
I am extremely sensitive and relate to others highly intuitively. I am powerfully aware of, and am able to see and read the thoughts and feelings of others. Unless I am well grounded, this can throw me completely off emotionally. When my confidence wavers, or my ego or heart takes a blow, I doubt my senses and intuition, and fear that my emotional knowledge is off. This, in turn, causes me to second guess my own reality and perception, since they are primarily based in abstract intuition. This can be devastating depending on the weight of the upset and the gravity of those involved. Upset in such influential rhythms causes disruptive emotional impedance.
My awareness and sensitivity can be both a gift and a curse, because I so deeply desire to please and keep connected peace and harmony in my life and with loved ones. I was born into an extremely hostile, unstable and dysfunctional family and environment. This has resulted in exceeding amounts of psychological pain, lack of confidence, and shyness beginning early in my childhood, and is unfortunately resoundingly present in my adult life. Very young, I recognized the sources of my family’s problems. This created an internal conflict for me. As a small child, I was not equipped to cope with such an environment. The unhealthy coping patterns and structure I developed severely scarred me early in life, and continue to affect me and my relationships daily.
I am able to see and understand suffering in others. I have an incredible drive to comfort and love, and an overwhelming desire to be loved. I believe this is, in fact, the easiest way for me to heal myself and find my greatest satisfaction. I find close, loving relationships exceedingly valuable. Therefore, I am highly selective in choosing friends and loves– highly selective. I will have none rather than have any that are unsatisfactory to me. I do not want surface friendship, entertainment, something to do. I want sincere understanding, connection and love that is so rare for me to find.
Further, I am attracted to the world of energy more than to the mechanical or material planes. I can be and am highly energetically and emotionally charged and intense. This can create nervous tension for myself, others, and between myself and others. I’ve found I need to take extra loving care of my nervous system with adequate amounts of rest; a peaceful environment; regular, challenging physical activity; and healthy diet – avoiding alcohol and other drugs.
I recognize that I possess great potential. I have gifts that I don’t often find in others. I need to maintain a hold on my ideals and find ways to practically implement them. I know that I have something special and powerful inside me– something that I hope to realize more fully, cultivate, and share with the world. This has required, is requiring, and will require more time and maturity for me to fully comprehend. But, I believe with patience and perseverance, I will discover why I’ve felt different and even unique. When I realize this more comprehensively, I believe I will discover that what made me feel weak as a child and even a young adult, will make me strong and confident as a mature adult.
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